Well. It’s something you never want to have to tell people. We aren’t the first, we certainly won’t be the last, but that definitely doesn’t make it any easier. Seeing those two pink lines- repeatedly, because who takes just one test!? ….Then hearing the words- “I’m sorry, but you’ve miscarried” is a punch to the gut and a hole in your heart I never, ever want anyone in the whole world to experience. But they will, just as we have. Does it make it easier knowing it happens to one in four? No. just because it happens, doesn’t mean you’re ready for it. Doesn’t mean you’re expecting it. Absolutely doesn’t make it any easier. The second those two little pink lines show up, you change everything. Cut things you eat and drink, start documenting everything, thinking of names, how your life is about to change for the absolute best, and it does change. Because you’re now a mom of two- one amazing little guy here on earth and one in heaven. It doesn’t make it easier. But knowing that the first thing our little angel saw when they opened their eyes was God… now that’s something pretty special. Easier? No. not at all. but very special.
We were over the moon when we found out- wow! Another little blessing. Going over names, thinking about how Lawson was going to be as a big brother, if it was going to be another boy or a little girl. To never see that little gummy bear of a person on that black as white screen…. to never hear their heartbeat…. To never feel those little flutters, kicks and punches… no first cry and the words “it’s a..”, no newborn smells or nightly cuddles… no first smiles or giggles… no first words or any firsts at all. A hole that will never be filled. By anything. We didn’t lose a pregnancy, we lost a baby. We lost years of watching them grow. And as horrible of an experience as it has been, we are so blessed to have Lawson and each other. This will be the final picture of you and I little angel baby, and it will hold a special place in my heart always.
People tend to not tell people about miscarriages, because they make people uncomfortable, sad, and they’re hard. But it was a life- such a short life, but a life none the less. And that’s worth celebrating. A life we will always wonder about. A life we will always remember because it changed us in that little time it was here.
Please say an extra prayer for us tonight, because we absolutely need it. This isn’t a sympathy post, this isn’t a post to make you uncomfortable although I’m sure it did, this is a post to say as much as it sucks, we were pregnant…. and now we are not. But we’ll celebrate this little life either way.
(And those who watch my WWM. No. I wasn’t really drinking. It was cranberry juice and OJ)
I’ve been asked a bunch if this can be shared. Absolutely. #talkaboutit