As I drank my morning coffee and soaked in today while Law was still sleeping, I couldn’t stop thinking about the guilt. Yup. Guilt. What I’m going to say is going to get a lot of “don’t think that way, miscarriage isn’t your fault” but… well… you cannot help it. You know you shouldn’t. BUT YOU DO. So here it is… guilt for being happy.
More days are good than bad. Lawson makes the world such a bright place. He’s like a glitter rainstorm on a bright, sunny, gorgeous day– so much sparkle and shine. Can you picture it? I’m so happy when I’m chasing him around. Cuddling. Laughing at the latest funny thing he’s learned. …and then guilt creeps in. I just lost a baby. A baby that I won’t ever know here on earth. A baby that will never get to do these Things … I’ll never get to do these things with. Guilt. Guilt for being happy. It’s such a crazy concept. Amiright? But it creeps in and it makes your warmth and light cold and grey.
Suffering such a loss yet being so happy? How is it even possible!? Well. It is. I miss our baby. We will never know baby L here on earth. I’m going to miss out on every single first. No first kicks, no first cuddles, no first breath & cry. But I won’t let that make me miss out on Lawson’s firsts! He has so, so many to come. It sucks that guilt makes me feel awful about being so happy. Like soaking in my very own ray of warm, happy sunshine. I know it sounds INSANE. But you don’t understand it (trust me!) until you’ve experienced it. And I hope you never, ever do.
Guilt. It’s a weird thing. But guilt for being HAPPY!? That is an extremely weird feeling. But. It’s okay to be happy. You can grieve and be happy. Will I forget? Yea, no. Not happening. Will I keep moving forward and enjoying life? Absolutely. You have to. Will the guilt creep in? For sure. Will that stop me? No.