I’ve always been a super confident person. Probably overly confident 99% of the time. But there was a time when I wasn’t. And you all watched me go through it… twice.
Let me take you back. 2015. Two pink lines- PREGNANT! What! Oh my!!! The planning began. I wanted to test my body and try to have a natural birth. Said no to the epidural on my birth plan. Wanted zero drugs. I wanted to prove something (no idea what).
Fast forward to 12:58 am December 18th 2015. Woke up. Had to pee. KIDDING! Water broke. All over. Oh my LANTA it’s time!!!! Hospital. Not progressing at all. Induction. Worst pain ever. No epidural because of low platelets. Drugs. The worst pain I’ve ever experienced. More drugs. More needle pricks. YES ON THE EPIDURAL!!! Nap time because I couldn’t feel anything. Rush in. Oxygen on. Cue shaking. Cue instant fear. “You’re not progressing like we want… we think a c-section would be best” — okay. I have zero hips. It was a possibility from the beginning. C-section it is. (my doctor is AMAZING and was amazing through it all)
Momma and baby are well. We made it through. But I struggled. I struggled that I wasn’t able to do it naturally. I mean. I was PUT on this earth to have babies and I cannot even do that without help. I struggled with it for a long time. Every time I moved and my incision hurt or tugged, every time it would get bumped, whenever I changed. I KNOW I SHOULDN’T HAVE FELT THIS WAY, BIRTH IS BIRTH. But… I did.
My confidence was low there and It had nothing to do with how I looked. It was internal. It was real and it was raw.
Fast forward to February 2017. Pregnant again!!!! The best feel ever!!! Then. The pain. The heartache. The tears and tests and appointments. Then the final ultrasound with the tearful “I’m so sorry…”… miscarriage. What? Me? It’s happening to me? To our family? This can’t be possible. I was put on this earth to have lots of babies!!! I love being pregnant, I love being a mom… never seeing that sweet face. The cries. The firsts. What? How is this happening?
My confidence took a dip again. LOW low low. Like lowest of lows. Questioning so much. Myself included. How? Why? What? So much pain and hurt. I was a mess and it hurt more than just me- Jarod struggled with it and me.
He’s the real MVP here.
I still struggle. I still struggle with knowing those things, but I also have my confidence back. Again, it’s not how I look (cuz I’m pregnant and my face and body are… different), but it’s internal. It’s within. It’s how I feel even on the worst days. It’s the constant communication and relationships that I have since joining Younique that have really helped. I have my loving and long relationships from pre-y, but I’ve also learned a lot of those relationships, (absolutely not all! So much love to my ride or dies!!) were purely cosmetic, like, we did the same things so we were close. They weren’t real. They didn’t last. These connections I have as I’ve gotten older and have more purpose in my life, the relationships, friendships, and love we share– they’re real. They’re so real.
Thankful for confidence, thankful for lows, thankful for highs. Thankful for friends and relationships that will last. Thankful for meaning and purpose. Thankful for my family and my friends who are family. Thankful for Younique and God and my life.